Okay let me just start by saying I am aware I have not been writing on my blog and I'm not even sure if anyone ever was really following it. Anyways, I feel like I need to start writing again. I need a release that is my own and no one elses. Like I said when I first starting writing my blog, I honestly do not care if anyone or no one reads this. This is for me. I need a place I can let go and since I don't have money to go on an exotic vacation for several months and be pampered and waited on hand and foot, I have created my own world in my blog. I just need somewhere I can think and say what I want and let it go into wherever internet land keeps things so that I have some satisfaction knowing that it is out in the universe somewhere with lost socks and the Bermuda Triangle.
That being said ...whew... I am feeling guilty. No, I'm not Catholic and no I haven't committed any crimes. I just feel guilty. So many of my peers are starting families. While I am still OUTSTANDINGLY excited for them and wish them nothing but all the best God has in store, I can not help but feel like I should start a family too. This is where the guilt comes in. I don't want to. I am being selfish as an adult and I like it, truthfully. I like to get up when I want, eat what I want, go where I want, stay up as late as I want, watch what I want on TV, and be as lazy as I want. And I feel guilty. All these other women my age are just wanting to have children which is great but I don't. I mean sometimes I do. I always coo over new babies I see and fawn over how cute baby clothes are and for a few moments, I want nothing more in the world than to start a family. But then, I see the next Blu-Ray DVD I want and purchase it and the feeling is over. I have talked to some people about this guilt and they just console me and say "You're just not ready". Is anyone ever really ready? No. I don't think so but I keep waiting to be ready. I keep waiting on all kinds of things. I wait to go to the OB/GYN to find out what I need to do. I wait to get a better paying job. I wait to pay off debts. I wait to spend more time alone with Josh. I wait because we have 3 dogs already. I wait because I want to lose weight and get in shape. I wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. I keep waiting for God to come down from Heaven and give me liposuction, a million dollars, a dream vacation, and tell me I'm ready. I know this isn't going to happen. I can dream.
I don't know. Maybe it is that I am not ready. Will I ever be? What if I'm not supposed to have kids? What if I'm supposed to be a puppy mom forever? Does that mean I will feel guilty forever then? I'm so frustrated about this. I know I am over-analyzing this just like I do everything else.
ARGH! I wish I could erase this feeling. Why can't I just take a Xanax, a diet coke, and some chocolate and just be done with this guilt?
Guilty, Guilty, Guilty,
Larisa
Hey Larisa, glad to see you posting again. I wouldn't worry too much about not wanting a family- or not right now, anyway. One thing I have noticed is that our peers (like, people who went to our high school) are marrying and having kids extremely young compared to the rest of the world. Who knows? Maybe you will change your mind somewhere down the road (you are still young!), maybe you will decide to adopt, maybe you'll decide you want one kid when you're thirty, or next year you'll decide you want half a dozen. Maybe you'll come to realize that your family- you, your husband, and your doggies- make the perfect family already. There is no rush! I know how you feel, though. Sometimes I feel like some people expect me to start working on a family as soon as I get married, but another circle of friends thinks it's crazy enough that I'm getting married at 21 (which they think is super young!)
ReplyDeleteSorry for the long comment, by the way. ^_^
We waited 4 years after getting married, you're still a year behind us. I know others that are 26-27 who are just now having their first. I wouldn't worry too much about it.
ReplyDelete