Pink Polish

I am girly today.
Pink nail polish and a hair color change makes the world better.

I am beautiful today.
Expensive perfume and jewelry accessorize me perfectly.

I am sexy today.
Deep brown eyes and a sly grin bring out my gorgeousness.

I am singing today.
Listening to my voice is a powerful jolt of confidence.

I am strong today.
No one is taking my joy away today. No one.

I am confident today.
Fake people, I can see through you and so can everyone else.

I am original today.
Can't be anyone but myself and no one else can be me.

I am determined today.
Bad memories and haunting ugliness will NOT phase me, break me, kill me, or shatter me.

I am right today.
"They" may try to blame everything on me but "they" can't when it is "their" irresponsibility that causes it. NOT ME.

I am loud today.
I AM WORTH IT, VALUABLE, LOVED, INTELLIGENT, AND NO ONE CAN TAKE IT AWAY ANYMORE.

Larisa 2009

Better Days

Finally, a semi-normal day for me. Ahh...it is pleasant. I am beginning to see more clearly. I hate the fogginess. I really do. I hate the sad, low, blue, negative, stressed, depressed, ugly, nastiness of being in that "bad place". Another sigh of much needed relief.

However, I have a new kind of pain. The good kind. The kind in your muscles from a good workout. I started my new exercise class on Friday with my mom. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. It's a good stress reliever. " Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't." (Elle Woods, Legally Blonde) Sorry I really couldn't help it, it was such a good movie quote moment. :) I guess it's easier to be more positive when you can see that something ANYTHING is happening. You are making an effort towards your goal. So, needless to say, I can't wait to go back to our class on Monday for another dose of butt kicking! :)

Also good movies always help me out. Josh and I rented "Zack and Miri Make a Porno". Yes it is rated R. Yes it is about Porn. Yes it has EXCESSIVE language and nudity. But what you may not know is that it is written and directed by one of my favorites, Kevin Smith, who also wrote and directed "Clerks", "Dogma", "Mallrats", "Chasing Amy" and "Jersey Girl". This movie is what you would expect from Kevin Smith, which means it delivers smart "word" comedy, dirty "naughty" comedy, sweet moments in unexpected places, and a great cast. If you are willing to lower your standards and are prepared for ANYTHING, see this movie! Seriously, you won't regret it. Well...maybe a little, but you'll definitely enjoy it more than you ever thought you would enjoy a movie about making a porno. I know I did.
Larisa's "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" Rating: A+ for orignality, comedy genius, and a satisfying ending that only Kevin Smith can give me. (No dirty pun intended)

Feeling Better,
Larisa

Money, Weight, and Other Heavy Matters

Another wave of thanks to my mom, my husband, Mrs.Neutz and other friends and family who have helped to make me smile and laugh during these days. I have truly appreciated each of you more than you could possibly know. I am beyond blessed to have so many people encourage, inspire, help, care, and love me. Thank you for every e-mail, every song, every prayer, every smile, every phone call, every lunch date, everything. Thank you sincerely from the bottom of my smiling dimples! :)

Each day is getting slowly easier while still being difficult. My main causes for this depression are my money, my job, and my weight. Money is difficult for everyone and I probably worry about it too much but doesn't everyone? There is never enough. I mean, we have enough to pay the bills but never any left to get ahead. I feel like we are stuck on like a money treadmill. No matter hwo much you run, you never get anywhere. I LOVE my job. Artemisia is seriously the best place I have ever worked with the best people and the best food! My two favorite things! It's just right now I can't afford the job I love and I would take a job that I would hate just to make the money. However, I have tiredlessly searched and searched for jobs and there is hardly anything out there that I am A) qualified for, B) close to home, or C) pays more than Artemisia. Now, keep in mind I am not making alot of money at Artemisia but apparently it is paying the bills.

I have never had problems with my weight until I got married. I don't think I "let myself go" it's just that circumstances changed. I wasn't running around Best Buy all day anymore, I had gotten an office job. Fast Food was cheaper and faster than home cooked food. All the normal excuses. For the first time in a long time, I don't wanna look in the mirror anymore. My clothes don't fit right anymore. I hate the way I look. Most of the time, I just wear sweats and a hoodie so I can't see it.

After all my complaining, I am actively doing something about each of my problems. I am going to exercise classes and dieting. I am calling about all of our bills to see what we can do or cancel or change to help with the monthly expenses. I am looking for work ANYWHERE doing just about ANYTHING. Of course, any ideas are always welcome.

Broke, Fat, and on Xanax,
Larisa

"Could I" by Kim McMechan

The following lyrics are from a praise song I learned when I had vocal lessons with Mrs. Neutz. She has sent me so much love and encouragement since starting this blog. I appreciate her and having her in my life has been such a blessing. She continues to remind me of God's grace, mercy, and infinite wisdom. Thank you so much Mrs. Neutz. You have made such a positive impact on my life. This song describes how helpless I feel at this moment. I love this song. It is so beautiful. It is a release. It is a giving up of the spirit to God to take control. It is a realization that we are not in control and that we need to let go.

Could I

Kim McMechan

VERSE 1:
Could I just sit here a while
Know that there’s nothing that I need to say
Safe in the knowledge that You know my ways
Love me completely no need to hide a thing
         
Could I just stay here a while
Letting You melt away all of my fears
I feel Your comfort when You are so near
I’ll hide myself in this shelter You’ve made for me

CHORUS:
Could I    (x2)

VERSE 2:
Could I just kneel here a while
Doing what I was created to do
Bowing in reverence I long to adore You
Willingly giving all that I can surrender

Could I just rest here a while
Letting You whisper my burdens away
In all of my journeys there’s no other place
Where I find refuge strength for my weary heart

----------------


I have been down so much lately. I have never been as depressed in my life as I have been lately. I keep trying to find something to be happy about or be relieved that I don't have to worry about. I know I'm not the only one having a hard time in this economy. It just makes me feel so awful because usually I am the first one to be positive or be able to envision the good in the future. Now I can't see beyond the nose on my face.

Could I,
Larisa

Exhausted

I am empty today.
I have given all my strength away to worrying.
I have nothing left within me.

I am exhausted today.
I have done all I know to do.
I have nothing left I know.

I am down today.
I have lost my happiness for a minute.
I have no more positivity.

I am empty today.
I have to find hope.
I have to find peace.

I am needy today.
I have to lift my head up.
I have to stop crying.

I am exhausted.
I have used everything.
I have been used up.

Larisa 2009