Thank you God for the BEAUTIFUL autumn weather outside! I love sweatshirt/hoodie weather! It's my favorite kind of weather to be out and about in. My favorite weather of all is winter snow but being able to stay inside, in the warmth of my home, and watch it fall and not have to travel in it.
I am already CRAVING Christmas! I have started thinking about what my Christmas Craft/Gift will be for this year and singing Christmas songs in my head! :) Christmas is by far my favorite holiday! I can't wait to start baking goodies and decorate the tree and watch Christmas movies!
However, it will come and go too quickly. *sigh* All you can do is make memories while it lasts and remember them throughout the year.
Happy Fall!
Larisa
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Guilt
Okay let me just start by saying I am aware I have not been writing on my blog and I'm not even sure if anyone ever was really following it. Anyways, I feel like I need to start writing again. I need a release that is my own and no one elses. Like I said when I first starting writing my blog, I honestly do not care if anyone or no one reads this. This is for me. I need a place I can let go and since I don't have money to go on an exotic vacation for several months and be pampered and waited on hand and foot, I have created my own world in my blog. I just need somewhere I can think and say what I want and let it go into wherever internet land keeps things so that I have some satisfaction knowing that it is out in the universe somewhere with lost socks and the Bermuda Triangle.
That being said ...whew... I am feeling guilty. No, I'm not Catholic and no I haven't committed any crimes. I just feel guilty. So many of my peers are starting families. While I am still OUTSTANDINGLY excited for them and wish them nothing but all the best God has in store, I can not help but feel like I should start a family too. This is where the guilt comes in. I don't want to. I am being selfish as an adult and I like it, truthfully. I like to get up when I want, eat what I want, go where I want, stay up as late as I want, watch what I want on TV, and be as lazy as I want. And I feel guilty. All these other women my age are just wanting to have children which is great but I don't. I mean sometimes I do. I always coo over new babies I see and fawn over how cute baby clothes are and for a few moments, I want nothing more in the world than to start a family. But then, I see the next Blu-Ray DVD I want and purchase it and the feeling is over. I have talked to some people about this guilt and they just console me and say "You're just not ready". Is anyone ever really ready? No. I don't think so but I keep waiting to be ready. I keep waiting on all kinds of things. I wait to go to the OB/GYN to find out what I need to do. I wait to get a better paying job. I wait to pay off debts. I wait to spend more time alone with Josh. I wait because we have 3 dogs already. I wait because I want to lose weight and get in shape. I wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. I keep waiting for God to come down from Heaven and give me liposuction, a million dollars, a dream vacation, and tell me I'm ready. I know this isn't going to happen. I can dream.
I don't know. Maybe it is that I am not ready. Will I ever be? What if I'm not supposed to have kids? What if I'm supposed to be a puppy mom forever? Does that mean I will feel guilty forever then? I'm so frustrated about this. I know I am over-analyzing this just like I do everything else.
ARGH! I wish I could erase this feeling. Why can't I just take a Xanax, a diet coke, and some chocolate and just be done with this guilt?
Guilty, Guilty, Guilty,
Larisa
That being said ...whew... I am feeling guilty. No, I'm not Catholic and no I haven't committed any crimes. I just feel guilty. So many of my peers are starting families. While I am still OUTSTANDINGLY excited for them and wish them nothing but all the best God has in store, I can not help but feel like I should start a family too. This is where the guilt comes in. I don't want to. I am being selfish as an adult and I like it, truthfully. I like to get up when I want, eat what I want, go where I want, stay up as late as I want, watch what I want on TV, and be as lazy as I want. And I feel guilty. All these other women my age are just wanting to have children which is great but I don't. I mean sometimes I do. I always coo over new babies I see and fawn over how cute baby clothes are and for a few moments, I want nothing more in the world than to start a family. But then, I see the next Blu-Ray DVD I want and purchase it and the feeling is over. I have talked to some people about this guilt and they just console me and say "You're just not ready". Is anyone ever really ready? No. I don't think so but I keep waiting to be ready. I keep waiting on all kinds of things. I wait to go to the OB/GYN to find out what I need to do. I wait to get a better paying job. I wait to pay off debts. I wait to spend more time alone with Josh. I wait because we have 3 dogs already. I wait because I want to lose weight and get in shape. I wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. I keep waiting for God to come down from Heaven and give me liposuction, a million dollars, a dream vacation, and tell me I'm ready. I know this isn't going to happen. I can dream.
I don't know. Maybe it is that I am not ready. Will I ever be? What if I'm not supposed to have kids? What if I'm supposed to be a puppy mom forever? Does that mean I will feel guilty forever then? I'm so frustrated about this. I know I am over-analyzing this just like I do everything else.
ARGH! I wish I could erase this feeling. Why can't I just take a Xanax, a diet coke, and some chocolate and just be done with this guilt?
Guilty, Guilty, Guilty,
Larisa
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